Never say never … but not in this case

“I’m not losing weight. I’m getting rid of it. I have no intention of finding it again.”

 

This quote is one that I’ve grown to love over the years. Why? Because I don’t have any intention of finding the 194+ pounds I have shed over the past 3 1/2 years ever again. I’m in it to win it and I’m doing it all for myself.

I’ve always struggled with my weight. In the past, I have lost weight for other people (primarily for family). My weight was unhealthy for a person my age (from 5-years old and on) and approaching someone to tell them you believe they need to lose weight is a hard and sensitive subject. I’ve heard it being said from a lot of people all throughout my life. But the thing is if the person you’re approaching isn’t in the right mindset it can do one of two things 1) go in one ear and out the other or 2) it can backfire and cause a confrontation OR send the person you’re confronting into a proverbial tailspin. In some cases that intervention may be the talk that sets the lightbulb off in a persons head, but for me it never was because I knew I was fat, I knew the world knew I was fat so you weren’t laying a big secret on me, your concern was only making me uncomfortable. My family would try to approach the topic but I didn’t want to hear it and I’d eventually turn to food for comfort, which only ballooned my waistline even further. Then after a while I’d give in, lose some weight and eventually gain it back because I wasn’t doing it for me, I was doing it for others. Back then, these attempts at health were done with a diet mentality. I personally didn’t want to change, but I was going to do it just because … and when times got tough I threw my hands in the air and ate myself silly.

There was a time where I joined Weight Watchers with my mother. My mom was joining and she asked if I’d like to join, so I hopped on board. I enjoyed seeing the scale move. I was following the program and it was working. But since the choice to join wasn’t ultimately one that I came up with when my mother stopped attending meetings, I stopped attending meetings. I left the program and the tools I learned at the wayside and ultimately gained all the weight I had lost back.

The difference between the journey I’m currently on and any attempt at weight loss in the past is that I’m doing it for me this time around. I joined Weight Watchers on my own. No one suggested I join, no one hinted I should join, I made the choice and kept that choice to myself because I didn’t want anybody to try and suggest it to me because that would’ve made me quit before I had the chance to try. What can I say? I have a very hard head at times. I’m stubborn. I don’t like being told what to do whether it’s for the best or not.

After joining Weight Watchers and shedding pounds week by week, I started to feel better about myself. My dad came to me and told me he was proud of me for taking the initiative to get healthy for myself. It was a very touching moment for me and it’s one I’ll always remember because it solidified the fact that yes, I was doing this for myself and those closest to me saw that.

 

Three and a half years later I am the healthiest and smallest I have been since grade school. I don’t ever recall a time when I was the weight I currently am (I can’t say size because I was not 5’6 in 4th or 5th grade when I was more than likely the weight I currently am now – which back then was obese for someone my age). Physical changes aside, my life is so vastly different compared to how it used to be. Four years ago, I was a human hermit crab. I never left my shell (home or my humble abode AKA my bedroom) and if I did it was briefly and only to do whatever I had to do (work, school, picking up food, etc.). I lived behind my computer playing games and RPG’s to pass the time and to take the focus off my life.

 

These days life is vastly different – life is enjoyable. I’m not ashamed of myself and do not mind going out. I still am a bit shy, but I’m working on coming out of my shell more and more. I don’t live behind a computer playing games to mask my miserable life. These days I use my computer as a tool to connect with others, to share my journey and to keep in touch with friends and family. But it’s merely a tool — it’s not my one and only. I enjoy life now and I most importantly know what happiness is. I know that I deserve the best and I will get it as long as I put my best foot forward. I have a bright outlook on life and feel I am utterly unstoppable. I can do anything I want as long as I set my mind to it. Positivity fuels me instead of negativity clouding my judgment.

I know the saying goes “never say never” BUT I refuse to allow any shadow of doubt regarding my weight loss and my eventual maintenance. I realize life happens and there will always inevitably be minor bumps in the road but I need to learn to cope with those instances, learn from them and as always keep it moving. It’s my life after all and I’m going to make the best of it.

Weight Loss Gains

3+ years into this journey and it’s true I am physically smaller, I am literally half the girl I used to be, but with my weight loss I have gained SO much.  With this journey I have gained wisdom, self love, happiness, confidence, determination, motivation, control, understanding, patience, and an ability to inspire.  I’ve also gained the confidence to conquer my fear of public speaking by speaking at a Weight Watchers event, I’ve also gained the ability to accept a compliment AND give one in return.  I could go on and on for days as to what I’ve personally gained over the last 3+ years.

It’s amazing to me to think that by focusing on me and my health that so much in my life would change – and for the better.  Every day isn’t always easy, but it’s SO worth it.

I have so much to be thankful for.  I am happy (this is a big one because for a very long time I never knew what happiness was), I am healthy, I have energy to do things and all along I have been doing it for me! My niece and nephew will not grow up having their nearly 400 pound aunt sit on the couch and watch them play. They have an aunt who’s active in their life and will willingly get on the floor and play with them.  I have control over my life and my destiny and I love knowing that anything is possible if I want it bad enough and if I am willing to work for it.

Relearning a Lesson

This past week I skated by it on the seat of my pants.  I know after nearly 3 ½ years as a Weight Watchers member that life happens – there are events that come up that can be out of my control, but it’s up to me to take the bull by the horns and make the best of it.  But this past week, I let that bull grab hold of my leg and drag me through the crowd – face first.  I’m not dwelling on it because it’s not going to help me succeed by beating myself up.  I’ve come too far to let a shaken up week deter me from my path – my goals.  I refuse to let a bad week spiral out of control because as I say “If I eat crap, I feel like crap.”  And well … I don’t want to feel like crap, I want to feel fabulous! So, I accepted the gain and knew I had to focus on being on track and being the best version of myself.

Looking back at my week I know exactly what I did.  I know why I stepped on that scale and was slapped in the face with a substantial gain.  I have no excuses and I know exactly what I need to focus on this week.

–          I barely drank any water.  I think I drank one 20 ounce bottle of water all week.  My beverages were riddled with ice coffees, coke zeros and diet orange sodas.

–          I hardly ate any fruits or vegetables. I usually have a salad at least once, if not twice a day and fruit throughout the day. Last week it was like: Salad? What’s a salad?  Fruit as a snack? Huh?

–          I let a bag of Doritos at a barbecue get the best of me. “Family Size” bags of Doritos are a trigger for me.  I can have individual size bags of regular or baked Doritos and be absolutely fine but a large bag of Doritos twerks me out. It triggers some subconscious in my brain which disallows me to count 11 stinking chips. I realize I cannot control all the foods in my environment, but I CAN move those foods away from me so they’re not right in front of me to eat while talking to family and friends.

–          I went into two back-to-back barbecues without a plan of action.  I didn’t have my scale or my measuring cups, so I eyeballed.  And even 3 ½ years in I’m not the greatest at eyeballing, which is why my scale and measuring cups are my BFF’s at home.

–          I did the tango with a few cookies.  The cookies won.

–          I was extremely sedentary.

Lesson relearned: old habits can creep up on you when you’re not fully in the game. But this was a lesson and I learned from it and I’ve already started back on the correct path.  We’ll see what the scale has to say when I weigh in Wednesday (early since my center is closed on the 4^th).